I thought I saw a light at the end of the tunnel of blackness that I'm going through. But it appears now that light was a train coming at me. It just ran me over and left me hurting more in the darkness of the tunnel. Everything is dark again and despair has found a new level. I feel I'm losing touch with reality.

I think today for the first time in months I have been able to see a positive vision. The thick clouds of despair are there still. But I think they may be parting. I still haven't had the "breakthrough" with God in prayer that I'm seeking. I just want to feel His presence. To have that certain peace and joy others talk about and the bible promises. So far that has alluded me.

I listen to Ron Hutchcraft's "A Word with You." He almost always has a good word for the day. A lot of times they speak so directly to me. I needed what he said today. I am just barely hanging on. My faith and hope are paper thin. So this was the end of today's lesson.
"Remember, the size of your faith preparation may determine the size of God's miracle. If you're facing a situation that's way too big for you, listen. That may be God saying, "You get it ready. I'll do the job." www.hutchcraft.com
I pray that I can only have the faith and strength to hang on. I am stretched to the limit.

I want to find God in all of this. I thought I knew Him. But now I see that I didn't have the kind of relationship that I need in this trial. I trust Jesus to intercede and give me the Holy Spirit's help.
I think that the blackness just keeps creeping in. (I would like to spend a week-end with Jack Daniels & Smith & Wesson.) I won't!

I know that Phil 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" I can't locate that strength. I can't pray hard enough or long enough for it. I thought that God would " Draw near to God and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and make your hearts pure, you double-minded." I have repented and tried to draw near but God seems so far and I am barely able to function each day. I have had panic and anxiety attacks and I can't get relief. What is wrong. I appeal for His help. I beg for mercy and grace.