I was saddened to read the news stories this week about Mother Theresa's struggle with doubt. I thought about her struggle and mine. Although I don't think I ever doubted the existence of God as she apparently did. My problem was and is hearing from Him, especially in this present ongoing crisis. Anyway, all I know to hold onto is "Jesus loves me this I know for the bible tells me so..."

I seem to perpetually Peter. Forever stuck in the moment right after He began to sink. The waves seem always to be lapping around me but I can 't sink and drown, I can't walk on water, nor can I get in the boat. I feel like I'm just bobbing up and down, kind of like those bouy's. I reach out for Jesus' helping hand every day.

I fear that I will become a Christian in name only. I fear that I actually function more as a Deist than one who is indwelt by God in the form of the Holy Spirit.

I am beginning to feel nothing. I cling to the faint hope that I'll connect with God. But he still doesn't seem to be willing to do that yet. I despair!!! Into that dark night again.

I've immersed myself in my new job to take my mind off of everything. But lately, I still am bothered by the silence of God. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I can't coerce God into connecting with me, I've begged pleaded and cried. I hear the same stuff from people when I ask for help. "You must have sin in your life,
you have bad theology, you must get baptized in the Holy Spirit," they counsel. I know how Job felt surrounded by "counselors" in the guise of "friends." All I know is this wilderness experience.